Final Fantasy VII on Drugs
by ObsessiveCompulsiveValkyrie
Summary: The story of FF7 with an estranged cast. Cloud Strife, the arrogant, ignorant SOLDIER fights the demented momma's boy for the sake of the planet's future. Equal bashing to all. More CloTi than Clerith. You must have strange sense of humor to read this.
1. Chapter 1: WTF?

Okay… So, let me give this baby justice. This story is essentially the FF7 game, but, as the summary says, with a demented cast. There will be equal-opportunity bashing going on, though Cloud, Vincent, and Tifa will likely receive the most since they're my favorite, most-used characters. Aerith will get some, too, just because I don't like her. But I won't be biased. Everything is all in good fun.

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any of its spin-offs. And I pray Square won't hate me for what I've done to their characters…

* * *

**Chapter One: WTF?**

She knelt beside the piping, watching the escaping Mako float away. Setting her hands together, she dusted them off and stood, turning to face the entrance of the alleyway. She walked out softly, her pink dress folding around her knees with every step. Smiling pleasantly, she glanced down at the basket on her right elbow and reached inside to rearrange the flowers. She walked a little further, stopping at the edge of the curb and waiting.

A truck driving past veered around the corner at full speed, slamming into the pink-clad girl head-on. She sailed a good ten feet before hitting the ground and rolling. Stumbling to her feet, she waved an impolite finger at the driver and yelled a curse. She slapped a hand on her dress in an attempt to clean the dust off and walked away, holding what little dignity she still had.

**O.o**

The train flew by, cruising towards its destination without knowledge of its hitchhiker. The young man on top gripped his oversized blade in his right hand, bringing it up to rest his forehead on the blunt side. He flipped the sword easily and set it on his back, leaving it to rest while raising his gaze to the tunnel ahead of him.

'_My name is Cloud… SOLDIER, First Class.'_

He stood slowly, his form strong and still in the rushing winds. His hand still on the hilt of his sword, he took a slow step forward. And another. And another. He squinted in the light of the overhead streetlamps, feeling a strong pain in his forehead before dropping to his back. Rubbing a hand over his face, he pulled himself to a crouching position and glared over his shoulder at the iron beam that had jubilantly greeted him seconds ago. He stood tall again, keeping his eyes open for beams in the distance. Hopping over one or two, he waited as the train slowly eased to a stop.

Cloud gripped his sword in one hand and braced the other on the cold steel beneath him, using it as leverage as he leapt off. He landed swiftly on his feet and flourished his sword briefly before falling into a ready stance. Raising his lip in a snarl, the two guards waiting on the platform stared back blankly.

'_Yeah, that's right. Cringe in fear over my awesome skillz!'_

One of them scratched his temple, "Who are you?"

The blond smirked and gave no other sign of a response, flashing his blade once more instead. Out of the blue, a young woman with reddish-brown hair and a man with black hair -both with matching red bandanas on their brow- leapt out of the train and tackled one guard each.

Cloud watched blankly as the two guards fell in crumpled piles on the deck. He looked back up at the two newcomers, jaw hanging slightly open, "What'd you do that for!? I was supposed to sick 'em!"

The man rolled his eyes, "You were taking waaay too long."

The woman smiled sweetly at Cloud, "But you looked hot while showing off your icy-cold stare!"

The blond smirked, "Thank you. At least someone around here appreciates a good, well-practiced glare."

The man rolled his eyes, "Whatever. The boss is waiting at the meeting point. Let's go."

"Fine." He took a few steps and paused, "Where are we going?"

The woman shot him a flirty smile and waved a hand over her shoulder, "Over here, Cloud…"

The man slapped his forehead, "Let's go…" He walked off, Cloud and the woman trailing behind.

Cloud walked off, the woman grabbing hold of his arm and walking right next to him. Cloud leaned over to whisper in her ear, "Sooo… That girl back at the base… She's pretty hot, huh?"

The woman pouted and let go of his hand, effectively shoving it back at him. The man rolled his eyes, "Just get a room, already!"

Cloud blinked, confused, "What just happened?"

The woman stuck her lip out and ran forward to catch up with the man, continuing their walk to the rendezvous point. Moments later, a large, dark-skinned man came running down a different street to meet with them. He raised his right hand, waving the attached gun every which way and accidentally fired, resulting in a strange man falling from his apartment window. The four people in the street watched him hit a trash dumpster below with a thud.

Cloud shook his head, "Where to?"

The large man shrugged, "I don' know, foo."

The dark-haired man sighed, "The reactor, Barret."

"Reactor… Reactor… Sounds familiar…"

"The Mako reactor?"

"Ohh… Right! What're we doin' there, foo?"

"Blowing it up?"

"Oh, yeah! Which way, foo?"

"This way…" He sighed and trudged off, the other three all quick to follow.

They walked along, finally reaching a pause at the door to the reactor. The woman bent down at the control panel and opened it to hack into the system. The man leaned against the wall beside her, "Jessie… You got the code?"

"Sure do!" She voiced the numbers as she entered them, "1… 2… 3… 4… 5…"

The man rolled his eyes, "Clever, ShinRa is not."

Cloud stood by the door, waiting for it to open. The second it did, he sauntered inside with a confidant stroll. The dark-haired man rolled his eyes again, "I think SOLDIER just had a bunch of pompous brats in their ranks… I doubt it if you even have any skill."

Jessie came up next to him, "That's not very nice, Biggs! I'm sure he could cut you down without even breaking a sweat!"

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence…"

"It's true, isn't it, Cloud?"

The blond turned, one finger digging deep in his ear, "Huh?"

Biggs slapped his forehead, "I rest my case."

"Hey! Here you guys are!"

Cloud looked up, wiping his hand clean on his baggy black pants, to see a large man in blue jeans and donning the same red bandanna come around the corner. Biggs nodded to him, "Wedge! Where'd you get off to?"

Wedge laughed, "I had the wrong rendezvous point. My bad."

"Never mind… Let's just go. Everyone clear on what to do?"

**O.o**

They made their way through the reactor after splitting into two groups, Cloud and Barret in one and Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie in the other. Cloud crept through the halls, applying every bit of SOLDIER espionage training he'd ever received to keep his steps quiet and sounds to a minimum. Behind him, Barret thundered through the halls without a care in the world, waving his arms animatedly while telling Cloud a story about his oh-so-adorable daughter. Apparently, she'd once poured almost a whole gallon of milk into a bowl of cereal.

Cloud found himself mentally bookmarking this information while slipping through a doorway leading to an outdoor staircase. The blond followed it down towards the reactor proper with the large man behind him now telling him about his precious daughter's adventure with action figures and a toilet flusher. They made their way to the core of the reactor, prompting Barret to sift through his pockets and come out with a rubber ducky.

The blond raised an eyebrow, "Is that… a rubber ducky?"

The older man laughed, "Whoops! That's Marlene's! I meant to grab this!" He stuck the duck back in his pocket and came back out with small, metal box-shaped contraption. "This is da bomb Jessie made! Here! You set it!"

"What!? Why!?"

"I don' know how da damn thing works!"

"I don't, either! Demolitions was the one class I kept failing… God, the funds ShinRa put into funeral benefits for instructors…"

"I don' care! Bombs scare da heebie-jeebies outta me!"

Cloud touched a hand to his forehead and took the bomb with the other hand, "Okay, so let's see… We've got a plain box with a single button and a little screen. Suppose we push the button?"

"I guess. I got nuthin' else."

'_Watch out, dumbass! This isn't just a reactor!'_

He looked around for a moment and shrugged, "Here goes." He pressed the small, red button and the screen lit up with '00:01.' Cloud's eyes widened, "One second!? That's it!?" Then the screen switched to '62:60.'

Barret looked at it, "What da…?"

Cloud examined it as the numbers continued to change, then flipped the bomb over so it read, '09:57.'

"Oh. Dat'd do it."

"Come on. We've got ten minutes 'til this place blows," he set the bomb on the floor by the reactor core.

"Okay. Let's blow dis joint!" As they started running back the way they'd come, he laughed to himself, "Get it? 'Blow'? Haha!"

They skidded to a stop before reaching the first ladder as a gigantic red robot came from around the corner. Barret paused, scratching his head, "What da hell is dat?"

The ex-SOLDIER shrugged, "Beats me. It's ShinRa, though. Watch this." He ran forward, ducking under its scorpion-like tail as it crashed down towards him. Grabbing hold of one of the robot's legs, he flipped onto its back and, without drawing his sword, poked a finger into its back. Immediately, it buckled and convulsed, collapsing into a heap of red metal.

Barret whistled, "The hell you do?"

Cloud leapt back to the ground nimbly, "Off-switch. ShinRa always puts those things in easy places."

"You got one?"

"No…"

"Damn. Dat'd be cool."

"It would be…"

"Yeah! If I ever get sick o' ya, I just reach behind your neck and 'click!' Down ya go!"

"Okay, that's not really cool…"

"Da hell it's not!"

"What?"

"What what?"

"What what what?"

"What what what what?"

Cloud thrust a thumb over his shoulder, "Isn't there a bomb set to blow back there?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Aren't we still in the area that'll get blown up?"

Barret stroked his chin thoughtfully, "I guess so…"

The blond checked his watch, "If this is right, we have about six minutes to get out."

"Huh. Isn't dat somethin'?"

"Yeah…"

They sat for a minute, scratching their heads in wonder, before suddenly breaking into a run and dashing up the stairs and out of the reactor core room. Continuing back the way they'd come, they clambered up ladders and through closing doors. Cloud skidded to a halt when he found Jessie sitting on the rafter with a piece of rubble pinning her leg down. He bent down to his knees to lift it and threw it over the edge, musing, "Wasn't that paper mâché?"

Jessie rolled her eyes and stood, "Don't be ridiculous! That thing was crushing my leg! I could've died if you hadn't come this way to help me!"

"If you say so. Must be my awesome SOLDIER strength, then!"

"Yeah… Must be." Jessie gave her eyes another roll and ran off to get out of the reactor with Barret at her heels.

The dark man called over his shoulder, "Meet up at da Sector Eight station!"

Cloud ran up the ramp after him, "Got it!"

After meeting up with Biggs and Wedge and hacking through a few more doors, they got outside and went their own ways. Cloud opted for the stairs, running up and colliding with a girl in a pink dress with dust all over her clothing. She fell to the ground, "Oww…! Darn it! This just isn't my day."

Cloud blinked and extended a hand to help her up, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I think so. Do you know what's going on? Everything just started blowing up…"

"Ah, just some terrorists trying to blow up a reactor to save the planet. No big."

"Oh. Okay. Say… You want to buy a flower? They're only a gil…"

"Oh, sure. I know this chick who'd love to get something like that! Here," he dug in his pocket as another explosion went off behind him. "Ah-ha!" he pulled a gil out of his pocket, "Here you go!"

"Thank you! Here!" she reached into the basket on her arm and handed him a white flower.

"Thanks!"

The girl smiled and skipped off down the street, humming a bright and happy tune on her way. Cloud shrugged and ran down the street, skidding to a halt on a bridge as ShinRa grunts came running out on all sides. He pointed at the one in front, "Hey! You're the guy that owes me twenty bucks!"

The guard shuffled his feet, "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Yeah! As if!"

He looked around sheepishly, and then remembered the gun in his hand, "Hey! You're with AVALANCHE, aren't you!?"

Cloud smirked, back to his cocky self, "And if I am?"

"I don't know. It just sounded like something the bad guy should say. Um, I mean, the nerve you people have! Harming innocent lives for your cause!"

"Yeah, that's better." He cleared his throat, "It's for the good of the planet!"

"But think of the people you're hurting now!"

"Think of the future generations!"

He cocked his weapon, "You scum!"

Cloud shrugged and whipped out his sword, "Honestly. I have a unique mesh, a big-ass sword, awesome, spiky hair, and this is still the tutorial part of the story. Do you really think you stand a chance?"

"Of course not. We're just NPC's. But the script says we have to get our asses handed to us by you, so, here we are!"

"Okay." He flourished his sword for a minute, "Say… You give me those twenty bucks and we can pretend we never met…"

The guard stared, blinking, before shrugging, "Okay. Here! Take the gil!" he pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and handed twenty gil to him.

"Thanks, friend! See ya!" Cloud stepped up onto the railing of the bridge and leapt off, landing face-first on a passing train.

**O.o**

Barret, Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie all sat inside the train departing from the Sector 8 station. Biggs and Wedge sat with a travel game of Connect Four, sliding black and red chips down the slots to try to get four in a row before the other did. Jessie stayed still, staring out the window and singing 'Disturbia' to herself while watching the scenery pass. Barret sat on the side with a carton of popcorn from the street vendor and munched away, voicing all their thoughts, "Wonder if Futurama is on tonight…"

Biggs looked up, "Nope. I checked the guide before we left. It was canceled for a South Park marathon."

"Whatta load o' shit."

"I know, but what can we do?"

A loud 'thud!' could be heard above them as something whacked into the train. Wedge looked up, "Oh, yeah. That loud 'thud!' just reminded me… Where'd Cloud get off to?"

The door burst open and the blond in question flipped inside, landing on his feet with a cold glare to everyone. Jessie jumped up, throwing her arms around him, "Cloud! You're okay!"

He struggled to pull her off, "Of course I am. I've been through worse. Just a couple o' ShinRa grunts to take out…"

Biggs pointed at the weapon on his back, "But… There's no blood on your sword."

Cloud glanced over his shoulder, temporarily forgetting about Jessie, "That's because I didn't need it. I took 'em out with my bare hands!"

"There's no blood on your hands, either…"

"Geez, what's your problem!? I didn't need to draw blood, okay!? I'm just that good!"

Biggs leaned over to Wedge, "Ten gil says he bribed them."

The chubby man whispered back, "Ten gil says he didn't meet any at all."

Cloud caught their conversation and shouted, pointing a finger at them, "Hey! I did so meet them and I didn't bribe them! I bargained! Twenty bucks for their lives!"

Biggs snorted, "I knew you didn't lay a finger on them…"

"Damn it…" Cloud crossed his arms awkwardly because of the still-clinging Jessie, "Any chance we can not mention this to Tifa?"

The other three men all exchanged knowing glances, "As if she won't know."

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So… That is the first chapter of my strange, twisted sense of humor.

Review?

-Valk


	2. Chapter 2: Face the Wrath of the Barmaid

Here's chapter two of Hell. Enjoy!

Thanks to: **Truth-Unspoken**, **Thirteen-Day Rule**, **mom calling**, **vLuna**, and **mira ff** for their reviews!

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any of its spin-offs. And I pray Square won't hate me for what I've done to their characters… (Still)

**Chapter Two: Face the Wrath of the Barmaid**

Cloud walked through the slums with his hands in his pockets, following Barret and the others back to the hideout. The large man ran forward, pointing his non-gunarm into the door and started to shake as if compensating for the recoil. Biggs cleared his throat and pulled a small, metal pipe out of his pocket and blew inside to simulate the sound of gunfire. The few people inside started to scream, ducked to the ground, and crawled out of the ramshackle building as quickly as they could.

Barret turned to Cloud, "Okay. It's all clear. Let's go."

Cloud nodded in all seriousness and proceeded inside. Seconds after he walked into the door, a weight slammed into him, forcing him to take a step back to catch his balance. He automatically reached over his shoulder for his sword and peeked an eye open as two arms snaked around his neck. Brown tresses filled his vision as he blinked a little. A feminine voice mumbled around the fabric of his turtleneck, "Cloud…! I missed you…!"

A blush found its way up his cheeks, "Um… Tifa… Hi…"

Another weight slammed into his leg and he glanced down around Tifa to find a small, brown-haired girl clinging to him. She looked up, brown eyes big, "Hi, Cloud!"

He stared for a moment, "Um… Your dad is… right over there…"

She smiled, "I know. You smell better than Papa, though. I don't think he knows what a bathtub is."

Cloud, comforted slightly that this child recognized his sense of personal hygiene, spoke, "Um, thanks, kid. Maybe… You could hug… Biggs, though?"

"Nope!"

"Why not?"

"He took that last cookie. I'm mad at him."

"What about Jessie?"

"She looks pretty angry right now. I don't want to go near her."

"Wedge?"

"He ate my doll's hair."

"Really?"

"And coughed it up!"

"That's funky…"

"I'm just scared he'll eat mine…"

"I would be, too."

The girl around his neck whimpered, "Clo-oud!"

He looked down, just remembering she was there, and felt the heat rise on his face again, "Oh, Tifa… I just remembered… I got you something…"

She pulled back slightly, "Really?"

"Uh, yeah…" He slipped a hand inside his pocket and withdrew the white flower he'd bought from the girl in town, "Here."

She stared at it with a blank expression, prompting his blush to deepen to a rather unattractive shade of scarlet. Finally, she broke into a grin and snatched the flower from him, tucking it over her left ear. She hugged him again, "Thank you, Cloud! I didn't expect you to be thinking of me out there!" And under her breath, added, "Or ever…"

He shrugged awkwardly, "It wasn't any trouble…"

Barret's loud voice boomed, "Alright, ya foo's! Get downstairs! We're startin' da meetin'!"

Cloud raised an eyebrow, "The 'meetin'? We're goin' to the 'meetin'?"

"Aw, shaddup, Spiky!"

Tifa smiled and walked behind the bar of the run-down building as Barret rode the pinball machine-turned-elevator down to the secret basement level. Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie all followed him down, jumping through the hole the platform had previously occupied. The brunette behind the counter waved to catch Cloud's attention, "Hey! You want anything?"

He sauntered over and dropped down on a stool, "Gimme something hard."

She reached under the desk and came out with a two-by-four, whacked him with it, and set it down, "Anything else?"

He rubbed his head, "Maybe a drink."

"Oh, sure!" She walked down to the other end of the bar and fixed a drink, setting it in front of him.

He raised it in a mini-toast, "Thanks," and took a sip.

She smiled, "You know, Cloud, I'm happy you're back safely."

He raised an eyebrow, "That wasn't even a hard job. What's gotten into you?"

"Well, let's see… I had oatmeal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, some M&M's by Marlene's demand, and some macaroni and cheese for dinner."

"Hmm…" he stroked his chin thoughtfully, "What kind of sandwich?"

"Turkey."

"There you go. That would do it."

"It was a little past its expiration date…"

"All the more reason."

"Hm, yeah… Well, Barret is probably waiting on you. You better go."

"Yeah, I guess." He held up the empty glass, "Thanks again, Teefie."

She blushed at the nickname, "Anytime."

He walked over to the pinball-platform and waited, trying to figure out how to make it go down. Tifa walked over, "Here, there's a code you have to enter." She reached for the bumper controls and pressed them while voicing them out loud, "Left, right, right, right, left, right, left." She jumped back from the platform as it started lowering, "There you go!"

"Thanks, Tifa!" The platform reached the bottom and he stepped off, looking around at the dumpy room.

Barret punched at the old punching bag for a little bit, looking up at the sound of Cloud's footsteps as he approached. He turned to face the blond, "Yo! I got a question!"

Cloud blinked, "Yeah?"

"Was there any of those… whatchamacalit's there today? Folgers?"

Biggs rolled his eyes, "You mean 'SOLDIER's'?"

"Yeah! Them!"

Cloud scratched his brow, "No to the SOLDIER's, yes to the Folgers."

"How d'you figure?"

"There was a can of coffee on the side… What else could that mean?"

"What if they just reused da can to hold ice melt or sumtin'?"

"Well, there was a Folgers _can_ there, I don't know if it was actually full or not…"

Biggs sighed, "What about the SOLDIER's?"

Cloud looked at him, "What about 'em?"

"How do you know they weren't there?"

"Because all SOLDIER's are stuck-up bastards. They'll always announce their presence. Self included, back in the day."

"Oh."

"Oh, yeah…" Cloud turned back to Barret, "What about my moolah?"

The large man stared blankly, "…What moolah?"

"The moolah you owe me. I wanted to take Tifa out on a nice date…"

"Tifa? You mean my little girl!?"

"No… Your little girl is Marlene. Tifa is the hot bartender upstairs."

"Oh. Okay. Have fun, kiddies!"

"You think she'll say yes?"

"To what?"

"A date."

"Who?"

"Tifa."

"Naw, I meant _with_ who?"

"Me."

Barret burst out laughing, "Why in the hell'd she do that?"

"I was hoping…" He hung his head and started back to the elevator. He rode it up and walked to the main door of the Seventh Heaven bar.

Tifa's voice called out behind him, "Wait, Cloud!"

He turned, hope returning to his heart once more, "Huh? What's up, Teef?"

"Please stay?"

"Huh?"

"You're leaving, aren't you? You're going to go take another job, right?"

"Actually, I was just gonna go see if I could find a burger joint…"

Her arms flew around him, "Please don't leave, Cloud!"

He blinked, "Tifa… I need to go…"

She pulled back slowly, "So that's how it's going to be, huh? Fine. Leave, Cloud. Leave, and don't you ever come back!"

"It's just a burger…"

"It's just a burger now, but next time it'll be a taco, and then a chicken sandwich, maybe even a pizza!" Tears started to leak out of the corners of her eyes, "When does it end, Cloud? When does it stop!?"

He scratched the back of his head, "When I'm dead?"

"See! You don't care about me at all!"

"Tifa…"

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"What?!"

"You heard me!"

"Tifa, I… didn't even know…"

"You're just going to walk right out, ignoring your girl- childhood friend?"

His shoulders sagged, "I'm sorry, Tifa… Do you want to get a burger with me?"

She wiped at her tears, "You forgot the promise, too."

"Promise?"

"So you _did_ forget… Remember, Cloud. It was three years ago…"

"Three years? We haven't seen each other since Nibelheim…"

"Oh, wait, that was that other SOLDIER guy… Kunsel? Something. I mean, remember, Cloud? It was seven years ago… At the well?"

_*Fade to flashback*_

Cloud sat on the well, swinging his feet back and forth while waiting for her to show. Tifa's head poked around the side, "Sorry I'm late."

He looked over at her, "My note said to meet at six…" He checked his watch, "It's after ten."

"I said I was sorry… Yeesh. Anyway, you said you wanted to talk to me about something?"

He shivered, wondering why he was wearing shorts in the middle of November, and looked at the stars, "I can't feel my toes."

"You invited me out here for that?"

"No, I wanted to tell you that I'm leaving town for Midgar in the spring."

"All the cute boys are leaving town."

"Nobody's left in, like, eight years…"

"I know. The last guy that left was that hunky blacksmith, and now you're leaving…" She batted her eyelashes at him.

Completely missing her flirting due to brain freeze, he crossed his arms, "I'm gonna be a SOLDIER! The best there is! Just like Sephiroth!"

"If you're the best, how can you be just like someone? Wouldn't the best be someone who doesn't have anyone even close to their skill?"

He looked at her blankly, and then thought about it. "Huh. I guess so."

"Isn't it hard to join SOLDIER?"

"I probably won't be able to come back here for awhile." He tried to stand, but failed on frozen feet and fell down the twenty-foot drop to the ground below. He pushed himself up to a sitting position, rubbing his head "Ow…"

Completely oblivious to his fall, she felt tears coming at the thought of the boy next door moving away. She breathed on her hands, pretending to warm them in an effort to hide the waterworks.

A firefly flew past and he watched it, "…Huh?"

She sighed, "Will you be in the newspapers if you do well?"

He managed to pull himself to his feet and stumble back to the ladder, the motion warming him enough to climb. He hoped it was enough, anyway. Reaching the top, he kept going and sat down on the very top of the well, a good three or four feet above her. He nodded, "I'll try."

"Hey… Why don't we make a promise? Um… If you get really famous and I'm ever in a bind… You come save me, alright?"

He looked down at her, thinking that she'd been watching all those mushy movies again, "What?"

When she spoke next, her tone carried the hint that it should've been the most obvious thing in the world, "Whenever I'm in trouble, my hero will come and rescue me. I want to experience that at least once."

Still not getting it and possibly suffering from a concussion, he asked again, "What?"

She leaned back, looking up at him, "Come on! Promise me!"

He shrugged. It can't be that bad, could it? She'd probably forget in a week or so, anyway. "Alright. I promise."

_*Fade out of Flashback*_

Tifa looked up at him through tear-stained lashes, "Do you remember? Our promise?"

He scratched his head, "I remember some very cold feet and something to do with a hunky blacksmith…"

"That sounds about right. So do you remember?"

"Yeah… But I'm not famous or a hero… I can't keep the promise."

"But you're still incredibly hot and a SOLDIER…"

He shrugged, "True…"

Barret climbed up the piping leading to the basement and jumped out, landing near the two of them. He glared down at Cloud, "Hey! A promise is a promise! Here!" He dug in his pocket and tossed a wad of gil to the blond.

Cloud looked at, counted it, and shrugged before tucking it in his pocket, "Cool. Thanks, Barret. Pleasure doing business with you."

As he was turning to leave, Tifa called after him, "So you really are going to leave?! That's it?!"

He paused, "Uh…"

Barret slammed a fist on the table, "Shit! If it means that much to Tifa, I'll give ya double if ya do the next mission."

Cloud blinked, "Okay."

Tifa hugged the large man around the waist, "Thank you, Barret!"

He started grumbling and mumbled under his breath, "That money was for my PS3…"

She hissed back, "We need the help, right?" She turned to Cloud, throwing her arms around him, "Thanks, Cloud."

**O.o**

Cloud woke up the next morning, leaning against the wall in the basement of the bar. He stood, stretching his back out and hearing several pops come from his sore back. Making his way over to the elevator, he rode it up and found himself face-to-face-to-face with Barret and Tifa. Barret crossed his arms, "We're gonna go make anotha reactor go boom. You gonna help?"

Cloud shrugged, "Why not?"

Tifa smiled, throwing her arms around the blond's waist, "I'm going, too!"

"Really?" He leaned down to touch his nose to hers, "You want to see an ex-SOLDIER in action?"

She let go of him, pulling back with a blush on her face, "Of course! I have to go take care of everyone."

"Hey, ah," Barret mumbled, stroking his beard, "SOLDIER-boy. How do I, uh, use this?" He held up a small green orb with swirling with the magic power of the Lifestream.

Cloud took it and tossed it up and down for a second, "You mean materia?"

"Yeah. Dat."

The blond shrugged, "It's complicated. I'll explain on the fly."

Barret shrugged. "Okay. I'll leave you charge of all da materia."

Tifa turned to face Cloud, "Oh, the guy in the place has a kajigger for you. Don't forget!"

He nodded, "The owner of the weapon shop has a present for me. Got it."

She turned to the bar, calling, "Marlene! You're in charge of the bar while I'm gone!"

The small brunette's head poked up over the counter, "Okay, -hic!- Tifa…"

The older girl smiled, "She's such a good kid."

The three of them made their way outside and Barret and Tifa ran off to the Save Point to preserve their progress while Cloud went out to the weapon shop. He stopped at the counter to get directions and continued on to the second level. He walked inside to find two men there, one with a hardhat and a dog at his feet, the other with black hair tucked back behind his ears. The blond shrugged and took his chances with the dark-haired man, stopping to pick up the blue materia at his feet.

The other man grinned widely, "Thanks, Cloud! I was lookin' for that!"

Cloud blinked, "Um, sure?"

"Just because, I'll let you keep it! And as a bonus…" He took a half step back, resting a hand on his hip as a wooden crate fell from the ceiling. "You can have what's inside. Go on, man. It's all yours!"

The blond leaned over to release the latch and opened it, finding a potion inside. He shrugged and looked at the dark-haired guy, "Thanks. Can't ever have too many of these lying around."

"No prob, buddy!"

Cloud shook his head and walked out, pocketing his newfound items and walking back to join Tifa and Barret.

* * *

Ah, it never gets old when one expresses their true nature… Don't get me wrong, I love writing the drama and the romance, but every now and then I just need to write some humor. Hope you enjoy!

Review, please?

-Valk


	3. Chapter 3: To Find a Flower

Oy… I'm sorry I took so long with this. Thanks to **Truth-Unspoken, uber-tastic, vLuna, mira ff, mom calling, Master of Catdoken, bmonti, SorrowsFlower, Gryphon of Fire and Life, Rikku-rebeca, kerapal bubbles, VGComposerEscalante, **and **fragmentsofmemories16** for your awesome reviews! Thanks so much, everyone!

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any of its spin-offs. And I pray Square won't hate me for what I've done to their characters… (Still)

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Chapter Three: To Find a Flower

Cloud ran up the stairs and boarded the train, following right behind Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie. Barret and Tifa ran at his heels, skidding to a halt inside the train. The big man shouted to the idiots- Er, his companions, "Yo! Looks like this ain't no private car! Split up!"

Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie all ran forward to escape to separate cars as a man in a red suit stood on the side, mumbling to himself, "…Hoodlums again. God, don't I have all the luck…"

Barret ran forward and shouted, "You say sumthin'?" while at the same time Cloud called, "Damn right, you're lucky! Not every day you see people as hot as us."

"I said, 'you say sumthin'!?" Barret glared at the man in the suit. "Yo, look at that! It got empty alluva sudden. What's going on?"

Tifa gave her eyes a roll. "That's what happens when you barge onto a train and shout at the top of your lungs."

He looked at her. "Huh? Whazzat?"

Cloud and Tifa chorused, "Nothing, Barret."

Barret walked over to the man in the suit and leaned over to look him in the eye. The man scrambled to get off the seat and ran for the next car back, screaming, "Y-y-yipes!"

Tifa walked forward and gently touched Barret's shoulder. "You've seen the news, right?"

Barret and Cloud responded at once, "No."

She shrugged. "Neither have I."

Cloud pocketed a bottle of breath-freshener and looked up. "So, what do we do now?"

Barret pointed a finger at him and shouted, "Shit! The hell you so calm about? You bustin' up my rhythm!"

The blond shrugged and grinned before nodding his head slightly in Tifa's direction. "No reason."

"Look, if you think you gotta chance wit Tifa, you gonna be plenty disappointed!"

Tifa looked up from under the seat and held up a little furball. "Look! It's a bunny!"

Cloud walked over next to her and started petting it. "Aw… It's almost as cute as you…" He looked up and winked at Barret while slipping his free hand around Tifa's waist.

She kept coddling the rabbit and ran her fingers through its fur. "Cloud… Isn't it adorable…? Let's adopt it!"

"Okay, Teef… What should we name…?" He rubbed at its head for a moment and said, "Teef? I think it's dead."

She cocked her head and examined it. "Oh. Would you look at that?" She climbed up to kneel on one of the seat and lifted the window, throwing the snow-white carcass outside. After closing the plexi-glass pane, she turned to face the two men and smiled. "Seems like they just finished connecting the cars. We're finally leaving."

Cloud shrugged and wiped his hands on his pants. "So, what's our next target?"

Barret let out a snort as he dropped down onto one of the benches. "Hah! Listen to Mr. Serious-about his work! Awright! I'll tell ya! Jessie's probably already told you, which is good! 'Cause I don't remember!"

He shrugged and looked around. "She didn't say a thing."

"Ah, well. We'll just wing it, then."

A voice sounded over the intercom, "Good evening and welcome to Midgar Lines. ETA at Sector 4 Station is eleven-forty-five."

Tifa looked up from where she was searching under the seats. "That means we've only got three more minutes until we reach the I.D. check point."

Cloud and Barret both turned to look at her. "The what?"

She sighed and set her hands on her hips. "The I.D. check point. It's the scanner built into the plate that prevents people like us from getting onto the surface."

The men shot her confused looks. "Look, it means we have to jump off the train in three minutes, okay?"

A red flash went off and started blinking repeatedly as an automated voice called through the train. "Unidentified passengers detected! A search of all cars will be conducted!"

Tifa looked around in surprise. "The checkpoint wasn't supposed to be until further down!"

Barret lazily glanced around the car. "What's goin' on?"

Cloud stared at the blinking light. "Ooh…"

Jessie ran back into the car, shaking her head. "We're in trouble." Without offering any further explanation, she turned and ran back in the direction she'd come.

Cloud, Tifa, and Barret all exchanged glances before shrugging and running after the woman. The same automated voice sounded, "Warning. The food cart is beginning to make its rounds. Please take cover and run for the nearest car."

Wedge ducked his head and called out, "They're gonna lock the door, Sir!"

"The food cart is continuing on to car no. 2."

Jessie turned back to Cloud with pleading tears in her eyes. "Just run!"

"Car no. 2, locked down. Proceeding to car no. 3."

The brunette sighed in exasperation. "They're starting another check. If we're caught, we're done for! But, don't worry, Cloud. If we can move up the train, car by car, we should be able to get past it!"

"Car no. 3, locked down. Proceeding to car no. 4."

The four of them rushed down the train towards the next car, shoving past a random passerby on their way. Tifa turned back to help him up, but paused when Cloud grabbed her arm and pulled her along.

"Car no. 4, locked down. Upgrading to maximum security alert!"

Barret gave a sigh of relief as they made it to the front of the train. "All right!! We made it! Yo! This way! Let's go! We're gonna dive outta here!"

Tifa looked around and gave Cloud her best wide-eyed frightened look. "…Scary, huh?"

Cloud gave her an odd look, completely missing her flirting once again. "Too late to be saying that now. Why'd you come along, anyway?"

"Because…" She leaned a little closer and took hold of his hand.

Barret looked back at them and shouted, "Hey, you two! There ain't no time for that!"

Tifa stuck her tongue out at the large man. "Hey! Butt out!"

Barret rolled his eyes and cannonballed out the open door while yelling, "Geronimooo!!!"

Tifa took a deep breath and walked towards the door, looking out. Cloud came up behind her and set his hand on the small of her back, jerking when the train lurched. His hold on her slipped and he knocked her out the open door. "Tifa!!!" he called, leaning out the door to see her rolling to an awkward stop a few yards back. His footing slipped and he fell, dropping down to the ground after Tifa.

He rolled to a stop and sat up, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair to straighten it out. Looking up, he found Barret and Tifa standing right there, not a hair out of place. He raised an eyebrow as he accepted Barret's gesture to help him up. "What the hell happened to you guys?"

Tifa stuck her nose in the air and crossed her arms, turning away from him. "Well, let's see you fall out of a moving train and look like rainbow sunshine!"

He scratched his head. "What? No, Tifa, I meant… Never mind."

Barret heaved a breath and looked around the tunnel. "Good! So far everything's going as planned. Better not let your guard down 'til we get to the Sector 5 reactor. Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie got everything ready for us. So, move it! Well, the reactor's just down this tunnel!"

The three of them ran down the bland, metal tunnels for what seemed like miles until a wall of bright yellow laser beams blocked their path. Barret moved over to examine the random buttons and switches on the side as Tifa lowered Cloud down off her back. "Thanks for the ride, Teef," the blond said as he studied the lasers for a moment. "Those light beams are ShinRa's security sensors… We can't go any further."

They spread out and started checking the area for alternatives. Tifa bent down in front of a ventilation shaft and yanked at the gate to pry it open. Cloud walked over behind her and pulled at the oversized sword on his back. "Here, let me get-"

A loud crunch sounded through the tunnel and Tifa smiled up at Cloud, holding the mangled grate up for him to see. He blinked in surprise and slowly released his grip on the hefty blade before turning to examine the opening. Barret looked over Tifa's head to look at it. "That's one damn tiny hole. You tellin' me to squeeze into that to get through the plate? No way!"

Cloud sighed. "We don't have a choice. Let's go. You can try the lasers if you want."

"Aw, fine! But, damn, man, that hole gives me the chills."

**O.o**

They climbed ladder after ladder until they finally found Jessie at the top of one of them. She looked down at her feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry… It's my fault the security check went off…" She looked right at Cloud as she said, "I made your I.D. special… That's why that happened…"

Barret scratched his head. "Wasn't it the food cart?"

The woman continued, "I put my heart into making it… But I failed…"

Tifa snapped out and slammed her fist into the other woman's face. She glared at her and hissed, "He's mine! Go find your own!"

Cloud touched his chin as he thought about Barret's comment. "That is what they said over intercom, isn't it?"

Barret shrugged. "Awright, let's go!"

Tifa looked up from her spot on the floor where she gripped Jessie's hair tightly in her fingers. She let go and let the woman fall to the floor before standing and smoothing out her mini-skirt. "Coming, Cloud!"

They climbed down another ladder where they found Biggs doing last-minute preparation work. He looked up as they approached and nodded a greeting. "We'll be gettin' outta here, so it's all up to you guys now."

Cloud watched him run off before turning back to Barret and Tifa. "Alright. Let's go."

The three of them turned and climbed yet another ladder before reaching an outdoor area. They looked around for somewhere to go and shrugged simultaneously at the sight of an oversized pipe. Cloud jumped down on it and slid it down with Tifa right behind him. They jumped off before it took a sharp turn into the ground and waited as Barret came took his turn belly-down.

After taking a corner, they ran inside the building to find an area identical to the reactor they'd busted the day before. Following along the similar path, they came across the reactor core. A sharp pain filled Cloud's head and he fell to his knees, holding his throbbing temples as a painful memory consumed him.

"_Hey, Zack? What are you getting?"_

"_Chocolate! What else?"_

"_I should've known…"_

"_What about you, Cloud?"_

"_I'll probably get the twist…"_

Barret's heavy voice rang out, "Damn, man! Get ahold of yourself!"

Tifa knelt down next to him and held his hand in hers. "You alright, sweetie?"

Cloud slowly pulled himself to his feet and shook his head to rid his mind of the horrid memories. "…Tifa."

She leaned closer and batted her eyelashes at him. "Mmm?"

He shook his head. "No… Forget… Come on, let's hurry!"

He ran forward and set the bomb at the core before turning and running back to the others. The three of them ran together and found a room with three big buttons in the middle. Tifa looked at the other two and said, "Jessie said we have to push the three buttons at once. Cloud, you do it."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "How am I supposed to push three buttons at different ends of the table at once?"

"I've seen you play Twister. You can do it!"

"Uh…"

Barret scratched his chin. "Lessee… Three buttons… Three of us…"

Tifa looked at him. "What are you getting at, Barret?"

"I dunno, but I think we're missin' sumtin'…"

Cloud sat in silence, staring at the buttons for a long moment before snapping his fingers. "I got it! We each hit a button!"

Tifa blinked. "And how does _that_ make sense?"

"Never mind. Just follow my lead." He walked over and stood by one of the buttons, waiting for Barret and Tifa to stand by the other two. They each held a hand over their respective button as he counted down, "3… 2… 1… Go!" They all pressed down at once and the door opened.

Barret thunked his gunarm against his head as he thought out loud. "Huh… Whattaya know?"

They walked off again and headed through the now-open door before coming across a T-shaped path. Barret started to run down to the left, shouting, "This way!"

A squadron of ShinRa soldiers came running out to block their path as the large man yelled, "ShinRa soldiers!? Shit! What the hell's goin' on?"

Cloud reached for his Buster Sword and mumbled, "…A trap…"

A large man in a red suit came out through the door they just had and Barret shouted, "It's…!"

Cloud finished, "…Some guy I have never seen before!"

"That's what I was gonna say!"

Tifa reached in her pocket and pulled out a magazine, looking back and forth between the cover and the man in front of them for a long while. Finally, she gasped and covered her mouth.

Cloud looked at her. "What's wrong? You know who that is?"

She shook her head. "Not a clue, but this says mini-skirts are going out for leggings!"

"Geez… And here I thought the fashion-chasers were _trying_ to get men's attention… Mini-skirts will never be out in a man's mind."

She looked over at him with tears in her eyes. "Even you?"

He grinned. "Especially me."

The rotund man in front of them closed his eyes, apparently not liking being ignored. He shouted, "I'm President Shinra! And don't you filthy insurgents forget it!"

Barret scratched his head. "Who?"

Tifa turned to look at him and whispered, "The fat guy in charge of the place we're trying to destroy."

"Ohhh! I gotcha now."

Shinra shrugged and said, "I'm a very busy man, so if you'll excuse me, I have a dinner I must attend."

Tifa leaned past Cloud to ask, "What are you having? Can I come?"

He snorted. "Fazoli's. And, no, you can't come."

She pouted. "Hmph. Oh, well. I don't like Italian, anyway."

"But I have made arrangements for a playmate for you all." He snapped his fingers and a loud grinding sound could be heard down the corridor.

Tifa covered her ears and shouted, "What's that noise?!"

Barret loaded his gunarm and ran forward. "The hell is this? It sounds like a busted 8-track!"

Shinra gave a casual laugh. "Meet 'Airbuster,' a techno-soldier. Our Weapon Development Department created him. Have fun now!" He laughed as a helicopter flew up and he jumped inside before flying away.

Airbuster slowly rode towards Tifa and whipped a tray out of nowhere. "Would you care for some tea?"

Tifa took a cup from him and smiled sweetly. "Thank you."

Cloud took a different cup. "How very kind of you."

Airbender nodded. "It is a pleasure."

Barret shook his head. "No thanks. I don' like tea."

"I have coffee, too."

"Sorry, I like my drinks a bit heavier."

Airbender sat completely still for a moment, his optic sensors focused on him. Finally, he let out a wail and his mechanical voice cried out, "I have failed! I am supposed to be the perfect serving machine!" He turned and plowed through the railing, driving off and down into the slums below.

Tifa looked down after him and held back a sniffle. "He was such a nice murderous robot…"

Cloud set a hand on her shoulder. "Yeah… It's a pity, but all workers of ShinRa commit suicide at some point in their careers."

Barret looked at his watch for a moment. "You know, this thing is gonna blow any minute."

Tifa looked up at Cloud and whispered, "Let's go. We'll mourn him later."

Cloud shook his head defiantly. "No! I refuse to leave a comrade behind!" He turned, grabbed hold of the railing, and leapt off.

Tifa reached down after him with tears in her eyes. "Cloud! No!"

Barret just signed and grabbed her around the waist, hoisting her off her feet and over his shoulder before carrying her off.

**O.o**

…_You alright? ...Can you hear me now?_

"…Yeah…"

_Good!_

"Say wha?"

_Back then… You could get by with just skinned knees…_

"What do you mean by 'back then'?"

_What about now? Can you get up?_

"What do you mean by 'that time'? What about now?"

'_What about now… What about today… What if you're making me all that I was meant to be… What if our love…' Okay, this is getting awkward now. I'll be quiet._

"Right…"

"Oh! It moved!"

_How about that? Take it slow now. Baby steps, Cloud. Baby steps._

"…I know."

"Hellooo?"

"Hey, who are you?"

"I find you…"

Light filled his vision as he woke, looking straight into bright green eyes. The girl above him smiled brightly. "You okay?"

He raised an eyebrow at her and she explained, "This is a church in the Sector 5 slums. The roof suddenly fell in on me—again—and scared me."

He blinked. "I fell?"

"Your hard head must've broken your fall! Just like the last guy who used the express!" She knelt down and started tending to the flowers sprouting around and said, "So, we meet again."

When he didn't reply, she prompted, "Don't you remember me?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I remember you. You were the weird girl who was setting explosives off in Sector 8."

She blushed slightly. "You saw that?"

"Yeah."

"Well, just so we're clear, that's just my weekend job."

"Okay. Note to self: Stay away from you on weekends."

"You know, despite what you may think, I don't get a lot of dates."

"Huh… Sounds like a bummer."

"Say, do you have any materia?"

He nodded slowly, not really sure what she was getting at. "Yeah, some. But you can find materia almost anywhere nowadays!"

She smiled even brighter. "But mine is special. It's good for absolutely nothing, just like me!"

"…Good for nothing? You probably just don't know what the hell you're doing."

"No, I do… I'm just too lazy. Say, I feel like talking. Do you feel up to it?"

"No."

"Too bad! Come on! Oh! Now that you mention it-"

"I didn't say anything…"

"-we don't know each other's names, do we? I'm Aerith, the flower girl. Nice to meet you."

"The name's Cloud."

"I'm Reno!"

They turned to face the red-headed man in the doorway of the church and shouted simultaneously, "We don't care!"

He pouted. "I just wanted to feel included…"

Aerith suddenly burst out laughing and Cloud asked, "What's so funny? What are you laughing at?"

"I just got the e-mail my boyfriend sent me when he was stationed in Nibelheim five years ago. I didn't even realize… The cat… and the plane…"

"Hey… I was stationed in Nibelheim at that time. We were probably on the same mission."

She placed a hand over her mouth to try to calm her laughter as she said, "He was a SOLDIER. A First Class."

Cloud blinked. _Sephiroth…? What the…?_ "Right…"

The redhead, Reno, started walking closer and Aerith shouted, "Cloud! Don't let it get to you!"

She started running off towards the back rooms and paused, Say, Cloud. Have you ever been a bodyguard?"

He scratched the back of his head. "No, not yet."

Reno stood by the doors, leaning against one of the pews. "I'm still over here, ya know!"

Aerith smiled brightly, completely ignoring him. "Me, neither."

Cloud shrugged. "Why do you ask?"

"I dunno. I just like asking random men questions."

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Okay, not the best stopping point, but at least it's an update, right? This chapter was mostly to introduce Aerith, so there should be more fun in the later chapters…

Please review!

-Valk


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